I grew up without a nanny. Here in the Philippines, a family with small kids without a nanny trailing after them is a rare sight. My mom, who is a housewife, was relatively young when she gave birth to me, so she was more than capable of raising me on her own. A couple of months after my first birthday my brother was born, and so my mom had two of us to care for. She continued to do this all on her own, without the help of a nanny.
Since I grew up solely under the care of my mother, I was determined not to leave any of my children with a nanny once I had my own.
It seemed simple enough when I was young and carefree. Then my son happened. At the time, my husband (who was still my boyfriend back then) and I were still in college. We had no steady jobs and no home of our own. And so it was decided that we would live with my parents. It was an ideal arrangement since my mom would be home and ready and able to lend a hand, answer any questions, or step in when I’d be too tired to function.
Throughout my pregnancy until my son’s first birthday, my mom and I worked in tandem caring for him every day. As if I couldn’t get any luckier, my husband has always been very hands-on with our child. Yes, he gave him a bath and changed his diapers, fed him and played with him. Name it, my husband’s done it.I eventually graduated and had to start working. This happened a little before my boy’s first birthday. My husband still had a year to go at school. We were shuttling back and forth between my parents and my in-laws, and that got pretty tiring. We ended up hiring a nanny for the days when I was working, and to help out with all the stuff we needed to lug around every time we switched houses. My mom was still the primary caregiver during those days though, as weekdays were spent at our house, and weekends with the other family. This went on for about a year.
A few days after my son turned two, my in-laws moved abroad and my husband moved in with us. By then he was also already working. After a few months, our nanny left and we were back to our original arrangement, with my mom taking care of the little boy while we, the parents, were out of the house.
I can’t say enough how extremely blessed I am to have a mother who is young enough, strong enough and more than willing to take care of my kid in my absence. I never have to worry about him not being okay because he is in the hands of the same woman who raised me.
But alas, all good things must come to an end, and now that I’ve switched to being a work-at-home-mom, I am starting the need to grow on my own as a mother, a wife and a homemaker. We are hoping to find a home of our own soon, something close to my family and close to school. There are times when I fear moving to our own place and not having my support system around, but something in me tells me that it’s time.
My son turned six this year, and I think that is sign enough that it’s time for us to branch out and to try to make it as a family on our own.
I will definitely miss those days when I didn’t need to worry about lunch or dinner. I’ll miss the nights when my little boy asked to sleep in his grandparents’ room and the husband and I got to watch DVDs in peace. I’ll miss having a doctor in the house, and a grandmother who is practically a doctor herself and knows what to do most of the time. But I look forward to making my own house a home, cooking for my family, having friends over, and, most of all, having my own set of rules. I can’t wait.
All we need now is a house to move in to.
In the meantime, while we wait, I think I’ll cherish the time I have left at home. God knows I’ll miss this place too.
Who has given you support as a mother? How do you handle it when that support is no longer there?
This is an original post for World Moms Blog by Mrs. P Cuyugan of the Philippines.
The photograph used in this post is credited to the author.
Patricia Cuyugan (Philippines)
Patricia Cuyugan is a freelance writer and the resident mom blogger at www.mrspcuyugan.com. She is a WAHM, domestic diva in training, real housewife of Ayala Alabang, and mommy to an 8-year-old boy who is known online as Little MrC. When stressed, she turns to crochet, chocolates and hugs for comfort.
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Oh, Mrs.P, I can so much relate to this post. My son was cared for by my mother when I was working full time. From his birth till he turned 5 he was with my mother when I worked full time in the day. It was a great blessing for us. Now my mother has moved back to her home town. And we are back to being a smaller family.
It was a great blessing back then to have her with me all the time. I had no worries about lunch, dinner, and taking care of the chld during specific times and needs. She always jumped in with ideas. And I had a generally blissful life except work stress of course.
Enjoy your time while it lasts. It will be soon before you guys start missing it. I can so much relate to this.. Oh man, and your son will miss his grandma pretty much too. Whenever my mom visits us during holidays and such, my son can never let her go. It breaks both our hearts when the holiday comes to en end and she has to go back. Oh man, I wish things were pretty simpler, but this is how it should be, I guess!
I know what you mean, Purnima! It breaks my hear to think of how much my son will miss hanging out with his grandma everyday, and vice versa. That’s why we’re looking for a home that’s close to where we live now. Keeping my fingers crossed that all will work out for the best. 🙂
Patricia, I would love to know where you guys find your new home. Keep us posted! I would love for the young boy to be close to his g’mama.
You can be sure I’ll write about our new home once we get it! 🙂
I am very lucky my in laws live close by and are very willing to help. When my first son was born, they had us over for dinner every night for months so I wouldn’t have to worry about cooking. Then they started looking after my boy a couple of hours a day so I would have a break. They still do that!
When my baby was born 4 months ago, they stepped up again, and had my toddler over with them for a few days in the first week. That really helped, so I could focus on the baby and recovery. And yes, we had dinner there for the first month: 🙂
You are truly lucky to have had help!
Nice to read about great in-laws! Mine are wonderful too. I wish my in-laws could spend more time with my son, though. They moved to the US right after he turned two, and have only been back once since then. We’re hoping to get the chance to visit them soon. Hopefully our wallets permit.
For me living so far away from family has been one of the most difficult aspects of motherhood – especially early motherhood. It would have been so nice to have my mother close by – like yours she is “young enough, strong enough and more than willing.” She is such a part of my nieces’ and nephews’ lives and I think we both hurt because of the distance when it was my turn – but I don’t regret being forced to figure it out on my own. I think in some ways all the uncertainty in the beginning has made me a more confident mother now. I wish you well with your move and as you start to make your “own set of rules” and I’m so glad you are cherishing this time left in your mother’s home.
When we were just starting out, I was really scared about having to get by without my parents. My husband would often encourage me to try to find my own style of doing things, but it took a while before I became confident enough to do that. I admire you for being able to figure things out on your own, specially at the beginning. Wow!
For the first 4 years of my life my parents and I lived with my mother’s parents. When my sister was born, my parents decided it was time for us to move. It did not go well for me as I was more bonded to my grandmother than to my mom. Apparently I flat out refused to stay in the flat with them and remained at my grandparent’s house (without parents and baby sister) until I was around 7 years old. At that time my parents moved to a little town a couple of hours’ car ride away from my grandparents and I had to go with them. Still, I saw my beloved gran almost every weekend and we spoke on the phone every day. My world was “destroyed” when I was 8 and my parents emigrated from Italy to South Africa. I was told, years later, that the main reason for the move was that they wanted to get me away from my grandparents!
The only reason I’ve shared the above with you, is because you said “having my own set of rules”. For your son’s sake, I really hope they won’t differ too much from what he’s used to! I know your situation is different … it sounds like you have a great relationship with both your parents and in-laws and will be staying nearby. It’s just that reading your post reminded me of how much I suffered that first year in South Africa. 🙁
When my parents first got married, they lived with my grandparents too. We stayed there until I was three and my younger brother was two. I remember when we left, it was really hard on my brother. He’s always been my grandma’s baby and he would cry and cry and call out for her for hours. My dad made it a point for us to visit my grandma as often as we could, and luckily we lived nearby too. I can’t begin to imagine how devastating the move was for you! Thanks for sharing. This is definitely something that we should take into consideration. I love that my son and my mom are so close, and I intend to keep it that way. 🙂
You are extremely blessed to have such a wonderful support system. My husband and I have had absolutely no support, which has been heartbreaking on one hand and very empowering on another. I am sure your new home will be just as warm and inviting!
I really am extremely lucky, and I remind myself every day not to take any of it for granted. Kudos to you for all you’ve done for your family! 🙂
Hi Patty,
Good luck with your new adventure! I look forward to hearing how you get on. I felt similar after I had both my babies — my mother-in-law came to stay with me for 5 weeks to help out. I didn’t know how I was going to manage without her when she left. But, we did. And, we still love it when she comes to visit from England!
Another, fantastically honest post. I love reading about everyone’s lives as mothers around the world!
Jen 🙂
Thank you Jen! 🙂 I look forward to sharing the rest of my journey with all you wonderful moms! 🙂
Patricia, you’re so lucky to have such a support. My parents have never met in person my kids. My in-laws live so far that they see their grankids twice or three times a year at the most. We have only one friend who is capable to help us with the kids but only when there is no other way for us (like when I went to early labour with No.2 and there was nobody else to help us with no.1). Other than that we haven’t had a real break from our kids since no.1 was born 2.5 years ago.
oh how I wish I had my parents with me these days!
Aww! I wish the same for you too. Hopefully you get to spend time with your parents soon, and you and your husband get to take a breather. But seriously, I think you are so amazing for being able to do this without much of a support system. Keeping my fingers crossed for you! 🙂
My mother too has taken care of my children since the day they were born. She watches them 3days a week on the days the I work from the office, and I am very grateful to have the peace of mind of my mother with my children. However she also spoils them terribly and does not punish them for wrong doings, to such an extent that they misbehave with her. This has been a source of stress on our relationship, and I often wonder if allowing her to care for my children really was the best decision… You are very lucky that you see eye to eye with your mother. Cherish it for all it’s worth!
To tell you the truth, my mom and I don’t always see eye to eye, specially when it comes to disciplining my son. There are even times when I feel she babies him too much. Funny because she is so lax with him over things that she would never have let us get away with when we were little. This is one of the reasons why my husband and I decided it was time for me to switch to WAHMing. My mom is good enough to step back whenever I try to impose what I think is right. But it did take a while for us to fall into this peaceful harmony of disciplining the kid together. I think you’ll find yours too. Best of luck! 🙂
What an awesome post, Mrs. P. I understand our cultures have a lot of similarities. Here most people have nannies too. When I first had my son, I had no help at all other than my ex husband. My family couldn’t come to the US to help out so I was mostly all alone with the ex working long hours. It wasn’t easy but we managed. Then I came back to Jakarta and to be honest I was shock to see how common it is now to see mothers with nannies for every single kids they have. Wow! I moved in with my mother, she helps out but she didn’t have the energy to really care for a toddler. When I went back to work full time, I decided to hired a live in nanny. It worked great and I’m lucky to have a really good loving nanny who love my son. She’s still working with us even after I’m now working from home. I got spoiled I guess lol. You are so blessed! All the best with your new upcoming journey as a family 🙂
You’re right, it looks as if we have a lot of cultural similarities. I can just imagine how much of a relief it must be to have help now after having been the only one taking care of your kid. I’d be spoiled too if I were in your shoes! Enjoy it! 🙂
I think that support system is simply crucial for moms. Raising kids is not a one person or even 2 person job. You’re blessed to have had that support. But there’s something also very empowering about taking the reins for a while and garnering more independence. Good luck with it all!!
Aren’t our moms truly the BEST?! I don’t know how we could have survived being new parents in a foreign land if my mom (and dad) hadn’t been around! 🙂 My mom was my birth companion for both babies (hubby was there for the first, but not the entire time, as men are usually not allowed in the delivery room at the National Hospital in Timor — since EVERYONE gives birth there all together! Haha!). Mama provided a lot of support, encouragement, tips and prayers and still does to this very day! 🙂 I honor your mom, Patty, and you and all moms everywhere! 😀 Blessings!
Patricia,
Its the world best possible arrangement! Its ideal!… In india, nannies are generally hired to just let baby get bath, food cleaned not beyond..there you need family… In my case, I WFH, have nanny, stay with in laws… I stay @ home most of the time… but when i go out for meetings or coffee with my friends …my MIL take care of the baby… 🙂