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I am a wife.
I am a daughter.
I am a sister.
I am an aunt.
I am a friend.
I am a blogger.
I am a photographer.
I am a glass half empty.
I am Polish,
I am an expat,
I am a coffee lover,
and I am more than that…
I might have been a globetrotter. I am nothing like, for example, our contributor The Third Eye Mom, but I wish I was, if I only could. I don’t deserve to be called globetrotter but deep in my heart I know I would like to live like one.
I might have been a book-worm (I used to be before the kids came along). I wish I had more time to read. Nowadays, all my books have a piece of toilet paper as a bookmark, and they are all placed in the bathroom. That’s how much time I spend reading them. I read one page at a time (if I get lucky). No wonder it takes me months to go through a 100 page book.
I might have been a full-time employee somewhere – most likely in a school.
I might have been a yoga teacher – there is nothing more attractive than a vision of me in a yoga retreat somewhere in India.
And there are many of those nouns that describe the person I am now and who I wish I was, who I might or could have been…if marriage and kids didn’t happen.
As we rushed to the emergency room (ER) on one beautiful Saturday morning with our No. 2 passing out in my hands I have realized that among all those names and words I describe myself, first and foremost I am a PARENT and a MOTHER. Holding this tiny body in my arms while driving to the ER I thought to myself, “I’ll give anything up, all my dreams and “could have beens” just to see her healthy and laughing again.”
The only thing I regretted at that moment was that I didn’t watch her closely…that I didn’t see that coming…and that I let that to happen. At that moment I knew that I can live happily without ever becoming a yoga teacher, and that to the end of my days I’ll struggle with getting into the crow pose, but I also knew I could not live with myself if something horrible would have happened to my baby girl (to any of my girls, actually).
I have realized that in all my attempts of being a good wife, daughter, sister, aunt, friend, blogger, photographer, small business owner I do it all with my kids in mind. I try to set an example. I try hard to achieve something in this life so my daughters are proud of their mother when they grow up. I want them to be happy with me. Of course, I am not perfect, and I do not do the right things all the time. Of course, I am not always a great example. I fail many, many times and will fail in the future.
As I was younger I had a lot of anger in me. I wanted to fight the entire world. I was not a good sister and definitely nothing close to a good daughter. I disappointed my friends. At that time I felt like I was looking at the world through many filters: “daughter” filter, “sister” filter, “student” filter, “young confused woman” filter, and many, many more, and almost all of them at the same time. It was hard not to mix them, not to get confused, not to fail in one while trying to be good at another.
Becoming a parent has changed the way I portray the world and myself; all off the sudden there is the “parent” filter through which I see almost everything (and I say “almost” because the rest of the world is seen through the “high-standards wife” filter).
That Saturday with my daughter having her concussion I realized that I am a MOTHER and can NOT imagine my life NOT being one.
In this past month my dear friend saw her twelve-year old niece taking the last breath on a hospital bed. She has died of cancer. A few days ago I read that one of our former contributors, Diana from Hormonal Imbalances, suffered a great loss when her newborn baby died. It’s her third loss. Last month, Kirsten from Running for Autism had written a story in which her friend had lost seven-year old son. I can’t imagine what kind of strength a mother must have to pull it all together and move on… I just can’t!
I don’t have to be a yoga teacher. I don’t have to be a teacher at all. I don’t have to be a business owner. I can stop blogging today. Without all those achievements and activities I still would be able to be happy and fulfilled if only my kids were with me. I cannot imagine being happy – or being at all – if something horrible had happened to them.
I am A PARENT
I am A MOTHER,
and I want it to stay that way until the end of my days.
This is an original post to World Moms Blog from our writer Ewa Samples “Mom Photographer” from California.
The photographs used in this post are attributed to the author.