It has been nearly two years since I asked for help.
Motherhood and life felt like too much of a burden for me. After years of thinking that the problem was me, it finally dawned on me that there might be something wrong.
I started therapy and found out that I had suffered from postpartum depression. Not once but three times. I also found out that the feelings I struggled with in my early teens were not just regular teen struggles. I found out that it was also depression that I had struggled with.
These past two years have been the most intense years of my life. I have experienced tremendous growth. I have opened new doors and have closed old doors behind me.
People talk about therapy lightly. They think therapy is nothing more than paying someone to listen and to give you advice. Therapy is no such thing. Therapy is facing yourself. Therapy is opening doors and looking into the dark corners of your soul. It is work. Hard work that sometimes leaves you exhausted. Being as courageous, as walking into a lion’s den unarmed. Vulnerable. It is raw naked honesty and perseverance. Going down a steep, rocky and sometimes dark road without knowing when you will reach the end of it. It’s knowing that you can decide to leave that road at any moment, yet not giving in to that thought. Because you want to get well.
For the past two years I have been going down this road. To say it has been a roller coaster ride, is to take a devastating hurricane and to call it a warm summer’s breeze. The hardest part? Being a mother at the same time.
There is no time off. No time to lick my wounds or to take a break. When I come out of therapy I need to step quickly into my mommy shoes. Some days I come out of therapy feeling empowered. I stand tall and firm and switch roles like a pro. Other days I feel delivered, freed from a burden that has been carried for way too long. Those are the days that my mommy shoes feel like dancing shoes. Then there are days that I am exhausted from the hard work and I feel empty with little left to give. On those days my Mommy shoes are put on reluctantly.
Some days the carefully constructed bandages around my heart are ripped from their place and old wounds are exposed. My heart breaks and scatters into a thousand pieces. An hour passes as I work through the pain. When the clock strikes reality, I hastily gather the pieces and put them back into place as best I can. I wear my mommy shoes, and though it is I that longs to be nurtured, it is I that gives the loving smile; it is I that spreads my arms in welcome; I that carries and I that offers warmth and shelter.
On such days my feet struggle to find solid ground underneath my shoes. When my child reaches for me, my grasp is firm. And as I hold her little warm hand softly in mine, the ground underneath my feet gradually feels stable again.
Have you ever experienced something, that made it hard for you to step back into your ‘Mommy shoes’? I would love to hear about it.
This is an original post to World Moms Blog by our author in the Netherlands, Mirjam.
The image used in this post is credited to the author.
Mirjam
Mirjam was born in warm, sunny Surinam, but raised in the cold, rainy Netherlands. She´s the mom of three rambunctious beauties and has been married for over a decade to the love of her life. Every day she´s challenged by combining the best and worst of two cultures at home. In what little time she has left, she enjoys being an elementary school teacher. Mirjam has battled and survived three postpartum depressions. She enjoys being a blogger, an amateur photographer, and she loves being creative in many ways. But most of all she loves live and laughter, even though sometimes she is the joke herself. You can find Mirjam at Apples and Roses where she blogs about her battle with depression and finding beauty in the simplest of things. You can also find Mirjam on Twitter.
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Oh Mirjam! I couldn’t have read your story at a ‘better’ time than this…
I’ve been trying to make such a though decision for the past two months, but I don’t know whether I’m brave enough… My mommy shoes feel like they’re stuffed with lead sometimes. But at the same time, I can’t seem to put them off, so I wear them to work. And then I’m even more exhausted in the evening although I feel I haven’t accomplished anything during the day.
Hugs to you. Know I look up to you!
We hear that motherhood is tough and sometimes that makes us question ourselves. Maybe we are weak, maybe we expect to much..
But believe me when I say to you, when people talk about how tough motherhood is, they don’t talk about wearing leaden shoes. They just talk about the usual struggles that mothers encounter, compared to the leaden load they feel as light as a feather. I experienced that first hand after I received help. That first experience when the load was lifted, even if for a little while, was what motivated me, and still motivates me. I saw and felt what life was without the load. And it was wonderful. I hope this helps you a little bit with your decision. Don’t look up to me, let’s level and simply hold hands.
Much love to you.
What a heartfelt piece and how glad to know that you have taken all the right steps to take care of yourself. In the process of arranging therapy for my 16 year old … I am blessed that she recognises things are not right. As her Mom, who remembers incidents in my early days, and sometimes see them bubble up inside of me again – it is time for help.
Thank you for sharing xxxx
Thank you.
That is a lot on your plate!
I think it great that you are getting your child the help she needs. I think that the fact that she recognizes that things aren’t right, actually is a sign that you are a great parent. It means that there is room and care for her mental health and not just for her physical health. Good job!
As for you, recognizing is always the first step and bravest step. I hope you get the help to get things sorted out and wish you much love on that journey. Thank YOU for sharing. xo
I suffer from PTSD…I never know what tomorrow will bring. My biggest fear is being afraid- it paralyses me.
“Therapy is facing yourself”…yes it is. It is a long journey- it takes strength and a lot of commitment. Thank you for sharing Mirjam – you are an inspiration.
Wow, thank you for calling me an inspiration, that means more than I can say. I’m sorry that you suffer from PTSD. It’s a tough thing to carry whilst taking care of your kids, and yet you do it every day. I think that YOU are the inspiration. xo
I suffered depression and anxiety after the birth of my second son which was complicated by PTSD. It’s only when you share your pain that you realise how many of us suffer and how many people understand some part of your battle.
Keep on dancing in those mummy shoes xxx
Fiona
I am so sorry that you had to go through that. I hope all is well now.
I don’t think that I will ever forget the responses after I started speaking up. It was one of the scariest things I have ever done, and still is. And even though not all responses were equally wonderful, the majority of the responses were. It made me stop thinking that I was the only one, and that it was my fault.
Thank you for sharing as well.
And I am happy to say that I dance so much more in my Mommy shoes, than I used to. xoxo
Oh Mirjam! I feel exactly what you wrote so eloquently, yet I have not taken the steps towards that therapy. Maybe it’s fear of facing the facts, maybe it’s because there are some days that I already have a hard time putting on my mommy shoes, maybe it’s simply because there aren’t enough hours in the day for me to look into it. There are days where I feel about 2 inches tall and feel the weight of the world on my shoulders, and then one of my children will throw their arms around me in a tight embrace, and that is what I need to help make it through the day.
You are doing an amazing job and are an inspiration!
So many time it has been my daughter’s smile, or my son’s embrace that have gotten me through the day. Children are so special in that way.
There are not enough hours in the day, and there never will be for that matter.
I think that Mommy shoes are meant to feel like putting on your favorite most comfortable shoes. They are are not meant to burden you or to hurt your feet or wear them out. (At this point I am thinking hammer toes and bunions, so I think it’s time to step away from the analogy now..)
You chose motherhood because you wanted to dance in those shoes,(Sorry, there are those shoes again..) So simply chose that again whatever you have do to get there.
Right now I am wrapping my arms around you, in a big squishy hug . I am so sorry you feel the way you do. You are doing an amazing job, every day. It is not easy doing that and feel the way you do at the same time. Please realize that you are important, you are a priority, you are what holds your family together. And when you thrive your kids will too.
Much, much love to you.
Mirjam —
Thank you so much for sharing this!!! Kudos to you.
Your example will make more moms going through the same know that they are not alone.
Very important post!!
Jen 🙂
Thank you for giving me the opportunity and platform to share this. That is exactly what I wish, to reach other Moms going through the same.
Thanks Jennifer!
You described PPD and your work of therapy so well. Thank you for sharing your story! I find it hard sometimes to push down the stuff going on in order to carry on as “mom.” I especially find it difficult when I need to talk something through in order to clear my head but I just can’t because of the little ones at my feet. It is a lessen in self control and emotional stamina, for sure. I wish you all the best on your journey!
Oh it is an absolute lessen in self control! A sometimes painful lesson, but I find it also helps me in parenting my kids. I am getting better at pausing my feelings in order to be there for my kids.
Thank you Tara, and I wish you all the best on your journey as well!
Appreciate that you took the time to jot down this post. I think I may have gone through the same and may still be experiencing feelings like this even now. However, in my culture we are not really allowed to let anyone know or even express feelings of inadequacy when you are a mother. The saying is to be as patient add Mother Earth. There have been times when I felt like breaking everything and just hanging myself.
Kudos to you for recognising it for what it is and taking action to resolve it. God bless you my dear.
Oh my heart breaks as I read this. I have been alone in the dark for years, so I know what you must have been through. It makes it even harder when our surroundings make it impossible to speak up.
I do hope you know, that you are NOT the only one that has felt like this. I hope you know that it is absolutely NOT your fault and I hope you know that you are a wonderful loving mother.
These feelings have nothing to do with loving your children. They haunt you and make it harder to do the things you have to do. But you are not those feelings, you are the person that kisses and cuddles your kid. You are the one that cares and nurtures and you are the one that pushes through.
You are amazing. I am so sorry that you had to deal with this all alone.
God bless YOU, xo
Mirjam,
I am sending you so much love. Therapy is one of the hardest things I have done. I push through because I know it is the path to wellness. Hoping that your mommy shoes continue to feel more and more like dancing shoes.
Hi Jen,
I know that it is the only way to get well, so I push through with all that I have. My Mommy shoes do feel more and more like dancing shoes these days. Thanks for being an inspiration and a continual courage giver. Because of people like you, I am not afraid to speak up.
xoxo
Oh Mirjam!
What an open and heartfelt post. I can well imagine how hard it must be some days to walk out of therapy and have to then give to your children, when you have no more to give.
I love, in particular, your line about therapy being: You facing yourself. That.
Dearest Mirjam, well done for writing so well about something so hard! I totally relate, because I too have battled depression since my teens and I had post-partum depression too. In my case, the absolute BEST thing I ever did for my family was to voluntarily commit myself to a psychiatric hospital for a month. Sometimes the only way to really get well is to take yourself out of “day to day” life. There will never be a “good time” to call “time out”, but (in my experience) your children will understand, love and admire you even more after that. My son is now 21 years old and my daughter is 18. I have been married for 23 years. I can honestly tell you that my relationship with my children and husband is better now than ever before (despite my daily battle with Fibromyalgia)! I’m sending out all my love and best wishes to you and all the other moms out there that relate!