From almost the moment our daughter came onto the scene eight years ago, we knew she had a strong personality. She was one of those incredibly alert and determined babies; the type you could tell was processing her surroundings and trying to figure out what to do about them.
While many babies and toddlers her age were delighted to be pushed in a swing, my daughter would have nothing to do with swings until she was old enough to figure out what made them go. She had no desire to be the passive recipient of being pushed, instead she wanted to be in control; she wanted to conquer it. She took the same approach with toys, puzzles and games. She was an early walker, a determined eater, and an all-around intense little thing.
My husband and I frequently got comments like: “boy, you’ve got your hands full with that one,” or “she’s going to keep you on your toes.”
As our daughter grew, by far her favorite activities involved sorting, organizing and problem solving. I have one vivid memory of her toddler music class, when she was just two years old. About three-quarters of the way through the class, the teacher put out a basket of instruments for the children to choose from and play along with. Our daughter, who was particularly fond of the little plastic eggs filled with beans—which she called shake-a’s—was determined to collect as many of them as possible. Driven by this singular motive, she went around the room delivering alternate instruments to fellow toddlers and parents alike. Anytime she encountered an individual who already had a shake-a, she’d attempt to persuade them with an alternate instrument in exchange until she had gathered a significant cache.
During these displays of self-assured behavior and go-get-‘em spirit, I often found myself shrinking into the background, hoping other parents wouldn’t fault me for having such a pushy, precocious child. At this particular music class, however, a parent approached me afterwards and commended me for having such a “strong child with clear leadership potential.” With her few words of encouragement, this parent liberated me from my deep mommy guilt about having a child with drive.
I was in constant conflict because, even though I am a child of the 70’s—a time when many of our mothers here in the US were breaking down stereotypes and entering the workforce en masse—I was raised by my father, who came from an old-world upbringing and had old-fashioned views of how boys and girls should behave.
I am reluctant to admit that, rather than celebrating my daughter’s inherent leadership qualities, I labeled her as “bossy” and occasionally even criticized her for being too demonstrative.
Bossy, a word inferring that someone is behaving “boss-like,” should be a compliment heralding someone’s leadership skills but ironically, instead it criticizes her for it. It’s a label reserved primarily for girls. You rarely hear it applied to boys. A little girl on the playground, organizing kids into teams and assigning them roles will quickly be knocked down a few rungs by calling her “bossy,” whereas a little boy taking the same actions might be respected and followed.
I’m ashamed to admit, even I supported this stereotype. I was concerned my daughter was too confident interacting with adults, leading activities and organizing groups. I was concerned she wasn’t “girly” enough, lacked empathy and a gentle, nurturing-side. As a modern, liberated and independent woman myself, I still didn’t want her peers to ostracize her or put her down.
Why was I struggling between nurturing and diminishing my daughter’s inner boss? Why was I uncomfortable with her being a leader, or overly-confident or intensely goal oriented? What could I do to help raise this new generation of girl-leaders?
Two weeks ago I got some reassuring answers. They were in the Wall Street Journal, on a full-page, front-of-section article titled, “Don’t Call Us Bossy.” And the women giving the encouragement were the Chief Operating Officer of Facebook, Sheryl Sandberg, and the Chief Executive Officer of Girl Scouts, USA, Anna Maria Chavez.
Sandberg and Chavez’s goal is to redirect our thinking about the way girls lead. To relabel our vocabulary about girls’ take-charge behavior. Instead of bossy behavior, recognize it as executive leadership potential, like CBS television anchor, Norah O’Donnell does. Instead of discouraging ambitious goals, support girls to recognize their inherent ability to achieve whatever goal they set out for.
I think the world would be a very different—and frankly far more pleasant—place to live in if there were more “bossy” women in charge.
Let’s take a stand to have more female bosses in the workplace; Here’s to raising our girls to be the leaders they are capable of being, not the followers our lexicon makes them feel they are supposed to be!
Did anyone ever call you “bossy” growing up? Do you see these qualities in your own child? How do you feel about assertive and confident girls?
For ways to encourage leadership in girls, visit LeanIn.org and BanBossy two of the movements supported by Sheryl Sandberg, Ana Maria Chavez and Girl Scouts, USA.
This is an original post to World Moms Blog from our managing editor and mother of two, Kyla P’an.
The image used in this post is credited to Pat Moore. It holds a Flickr Creative Commons attribution license.
Kyla P'an (USA)
Kyla was born in suburban Philadelphia but tried not to let that stifle her deep desire to see the world. Her travels have included: three months on the European rails, three years studying and working in Japan, and nine months taking the slow road back from Japan to the US when she was done. Kyla took all of her Japanese knowledge and language ability and threw it right out the window when she met her Chinese-American husband in 2000. In addition to her work as Managing Editor of World Moms Bog, Kyla is a freelance writer, copy editor, triathlete and blogger. She and her husband reside outside of Boston, Massachusetts, where they are raising two spunky kids (ages 8 and 5), two frisky cats, a snail, a fish and a snake. You can read more about Kyla’s outlook on the world and motherhood on her personal blog, Growing Muses.
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Oh my! After having the most horrible dispute with my 5 year old daughter, I needed to read this. To be honest, I dread her being ‘bossy’. Always determined to have things her way and not even blinking whe standing up to me, when I must look like steam is coming from my ears and fire from my eyes. She likes to get her way around other kids as well, although I think it is a good thing there are other ‘bossy’ girls in her class as well. But boy (well, girl) how she manipulates situations! If she sees an opening in anyone’s reasoning, she will use it to her advantage. She drives her big brother crazy and makes my rethink our ‘rules’ over and over again.
She is also very determined to get things right. Choosing a litle trinket from a box (in the hospital, after the dentist appointment) will takes for ever. Is hàs to be the right one.
We still have way too many conflicts. I guess I’m bossy myself too. But when the storm calms, I can reassure myself that she will benefit from her bossy-ness when growing up. I should applaud to it more often. But in the meantime, I hope she will also learn that she doesn’t need to be in control ALL the time. Because that’s what I’m still struggling with myself. But I’m confident she will learn when she will have a bossy daughter of her own 😉
I relate to your woes K10k, and applaud the Panther for seizing the gift of coming into a new world, country, and family where she can flex her executive leadership muscle and grow up with the opportunity to apply her skills. It must make you enormously proud to realize that you adopted a girl with so much oomph! Be sure to nurture this (imparting just the right amount of obedience) and great things are bound to come of it!
I’m happy that more moms are realizing that it’s important to nourish the leadership skills of girls as much as boys. I have delighted in all the ways my daughter has asserted herself growing up. Always a leader, never a follower, but also with enough empathy not to “steamroll” the opposition. 🙂
As a former “doormat”, I wanted my daughter to grow up strong and independent, and she has. I can’t wait to see what she’ll conquer next! 🙂
That’s the spirit! Go Simona!!
Oh how I struggle with this topic raising 3 children! I love this discussion and I am still working my way through it. My biggest concern is that America is a very “me-centered” society right now. Lots of pressure to be the best and to be “on top”…”no matter what”. Kindness, compassion, curiosity about others and where they me be at…all these things may not come naturally to a child. These concepts may need to be taught (yet can never not forced). I know first hand that you can not change your child’s nature by any means, you have to accept who they are. But I still think as parents we are responsible for showing them, and being an example, that we are part of a community of people. I usually see that when a child is being a leader (as a girl often labeled “bossy” or as a boy often labeled “bully”) and I do worry that if we don’t show our children that compassion is just as fulfilling, they may end up quite lonely.
I agree with your sentiments at their extreme but feel that first a balance must be struck. Gentle, kind, timid kids won’t learn to lead without building resilience, self-confidence and practice just as strong, authoritative, forceful kids won’t be *good* leaders without understanding fairness, inclusiveness and authenticity. This is where SPARK Kindness (a movement in support of developing Sincere, Positive, Authentic, Resilient Kids in communities) comes in (http://sparkkindness.org)
Well said, Kyla!
LOVE IT! Thank you for sharing this!!! It is definitely a needed read. My first daughter has always been kind of quiet. while the 2nd daughter (who is 16 months old) is the very opposite. I figured she will just be bossy, but it can be frustrating at times. For girls like your 8 yr. old, my 16 mo. old, and others the like, I think it’s important to show them it’s in their best interest to listen to what we say, and do so while encouraging to be the assertive, clear-minded little people they are 🙂
I think there is a line between being bossy and being a bully. I’m all for more girls finding their inner bossy on the way to leadership!
Great topic, Kyla, and another fantastic post!
Jen 🙂
Wonderful post! I do not have girls, but I have 2 very assertive, willful little boys. While they challenge me as a parent every day, I know that these skills and attributes will be such a benefit to them in the adult world. The trick is just supporting and channeling them successfully from here to there.
As for me, I was a very assertive, go getter child in many regards. However, I also caved easily when it came to making other people happy. I wish I had been bossier. I think your daughter sounds wonderful, and I think you are a fabulously tuned in mom. Let us know how it goes!
Wow, thanks for your support, Tara! Yes, kids like these test us, turn us gray and raise our heart rates but they also make us think, challenge our parenting styles and cause us to look at things differently. Perhaps For this reason, one of my favorite things to do is sit and watch her sleep late at night. Girding myself for all the challenges and spunk she’s preparing to dish out the next day.
I really enjoyed reading your post Kyla. I felt like you were describing my youngest (who I sometimes call “Boss Lady”)! My husband and I have also gotten comments like “she’s going to keep you on your toes”…and she does, but in a good way 🙂 We are nurturing her confidence and even hoping some of it rubs off on her more reserved and shyer older sister 😉
Thanks, Eva! Yes, the quandary of a strong-willed child and a reserved sibling. Our son is the quieter, shyer child (or at least he was until a few months ago). When he turned 5, something switched on. Based on our enthusiasm for his “big kid” status (and armed with the knowledge that he is now kindergarten eligible!) he gained confidence, credibility and the belief that he is now capable of holding his own next to his bossy big sister. Just keep encouraging your older daughter to use her inner power to lead the way and take charge. Her inner boss just needs some nurturing. And don’t forget, we can’t all be chiefs, some of us also need to be valuable task executors.