I had a little ritual with my son when he used to be little.
Sometimes when snuggling I would sit him down and tell him a little story.
I would tell him about the biggest most precious gift I ever received.
It has been ages since I told him that little story, but I still remember my son’s eyes turning big in anticipation as I got to the end of the story, revealing what the gift was.
“The gift was you,” I said.
And I proceeded to tell him how happy the gift made me and how loved he was.
No matter how many times I told him the same story, he never got tired of hearing it.
And I never got tired of telling him the same story.
I had promised myself very early on in life that if I ever had children, I would make sure they knew they were loved. As far as I was concerned, they would never have to deal with low self esteem or feel unwanted.
For most of my childhood, I spent time excusing myself for being me.
I tried to change myself, copy others, or suppress things that were typically me.
I apologized a lot. When you spend that much time being aware of what you are not supposed to be, you’re under a lot of pressure.
I used to bite my nails almost to the point of bleeding and I was shy and clumsy.
I broke things, I fell a lot, I bumped into things. It was a hard task, trying not to be me.
Today when I look at my middle child, who is almost like a copy-print of me, I laugh at my attempts.
That kid is so present, so alive, so wild, so loud, so emotional, so outspoken, so amazing.
There is no way to tone that down. And what a waste would it be to do so.
My kids have taught me that it is okay to be exactly who you are and that the flaws and the twitches are what makes a person unique.
My kids have helped me accept myself. I see myself when my daughter is persistent. I see myself when my oldest child gets emotional, I see myself when my kids do silly dances and I see myself when one of them nestles on the couch and disappears in a book.
It doesn’t bother me that my daughter feels too shy to speak around strangers, or that my son is difficult when he feels overwhelmed. Nor does it bother me that my daughter is chaotic and would forget to bring her own head to school, if it wasn’t attached to her body.
I see me.
Whenever I look at my kids, really look at them, my heart bursts with love.
I have always promised myself that whenever I had kids, I would give them the space to be themselves.
What I never expected was that through my love for them, I would learn to love and accept myself more.
And that is truly a gift.
What gift have your kids added to your life?
This is an original post to World Moms Blog by Mirjam of The Netherlands. Photo credit to the author.
Mirjam
Mirjam was born in warm, sunny Surinam, but raised in the cold, rainy Netherlands. She´s the mom of three rambunctious beauties and has been married for over a decade to the love of her life. Every day she´s challenged by combining the best and worst of two cultures at home. In what little time she has left, she enjoys being an elementary school teacher. Mirjam has battled and survived three postpartum depressions. She enjoys being a blogger, an amateur photographer, and she loves being creative in many ways. But most of all she loves live and laughter, even though sometimes she is the joke herself. You can find Mirjam at Apples and Roses where she blogs about her battle with depression and finding beauty in the simplest of things. You can also find Mirjam on Twitter.
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I just love this post …. and accepting your children for who they are and not trying to mold them into something they are not … well, it resonates so loudly. my girls are like night and day and each one is like me in some ways and then not in so many others. It is a rollercoaster of where we go with all of the feelings each day … but I have to remind myself that allowing them to blossom, and enjoying all of the moments is what it is all about … and it teaches me. Every day.
My girls are like day and night too. I love that because it reminds me of how unique all of us are as human beings. And that is a thing we should cherish. But it isn’t always easy for us parents!
Oh so beautiful, Mirjam! I love this the most: “What I never expected was that through my love for them, I would learn to love and accept myself more.” isn’t that wonderful gift?!
Thank you, Maureen!
Absolutely, it an amazing gift to receive.
Thank you for writing this Mirjam. It makes me think that maybe I am too hard on my son (he is the one who won’t speak to strangers, and becomes difficult when he is overwhelmed – which in turn overwhelms me). I never thought of just accept it, but rather try to correct it. All this time I have been trying to teach him appropriate behavior. Maybe I just need to aacept it and the rest will fall into place.
Thank you Mirjam.
I am glad that I could help in some way.
I find that when I understand (at least a little bit) where the behavior comes from, I find it easier to deal with. I also try to verbalize the behavior. In case of my son: You are worried about … right? And that’s what makes you act this way. This helps tremendously!
I also try to laugh things off as much as I can. For example, I like to rearrange furniture from time to time. If I do that in my oldest daughter’s room she will completely freak out on me, always has.
I know that now, and ask her specific permission, if I want to change something. With the youngest I do what I want, because she just does a happy dance when I change things.
Every time this happens I tell the story of how I tried to make the room of my oldest daughter more fun when she was two. I had tiny figures of Peppa pig and Dora and placed them all in the windowsill. She took one look at them and had a huge fit. That was my first clue that she did not like change.
“That kid is so present, so alive, so wild, so loud, so emotional, so outspoken, so amazing” : that’s my daughter! I’ve been attempting to ease her down, to make her a bit more quiet. But indeed, now I laugh at my attempts. There is no way of doing so! And I would hate it if she would feel like she can’t be herself. I know what that is like. In fact, her name, the name her Ethiopian birth mother gave her, means ‘be all that you can be’. Thank you for reminding me to honour that!
Your daughter has the best name ever!
I sometimes think that our most important task is to teach our children how to deal with themselves and to give them the confidence to be themselves.
Somehow it is a struggle sometimes, but because the gift of acceptance has been denied to us in some ways it is such a joy when we are able to see and accept our kids the way they are.
xo
Gorgeous post. I love, “It was a hard task, trying not to be me.”
I completely get what you are saying about seeing yourself in your kids. I understand why they don’t like milk (I didn’t like it as a kid either!), what they might be feeling when they step on that basketball court, etc. Remembering my childhood has been a great teacher in becoming a parent.
I love what the late Maya Angelou said, “When you learn, teach.”
As you and I have been teaching, we are also being taught. That was a parenting surprise!
Keep being you, Mirjam!
Jen 🙂