I felt it rushing over me like waves of ice cold water.
Overwhelming me.
Heldback tears stung in my eyes.
With my knees pressed tight against my abdomen, I gripped my head with my hands.
Silent sobs began to surface from deep within.
Trying to swallow them down made the lump in my throat grow thicker.
3 am.
The silent room was in great contrast with the loud screaming of thoughts in my head.
Distant sounds of a lonesome car on the road from the open window; the silent murmur and sighs of sleeping children; the breathing of my husband sleeping next to me, blissfully unaware of my distress.
Inside my head rapid thoughts were tripping over one another, hastily pushing each other aside.
“Starting this new job was a bad idea.”
“I can’t do this.”
“This is too much.”
“I am going to fail.”
Fear.
I could almost feel it like a tangible presence in the room.
It was in the clenching of my jaw, the tightening of my muscles and in the trembling of my body.
The powerful sense of emotions that I felt was almost frightening.
I felt anger, sadness and an urge to run away from it all.
And then it dawned on me.
This is what fear of failure feels like.
Now I know what that kid in my class feels.
This is the reason he fights me, why he gets so angry, what makes him respond in such a primal way.
I understand how he feels now, and I can use this to help him.
As that realisation began to sink in, I forgot about my own distress and fear and started working out a plan.
4 am.
Peaceful thoughts started flooding my mind, causing the other thoughts to quiet down and stand in line.
“I can do this.”
“I just have to hang in there.”
“It will get easier.”
I placed my head on the pillow facing my sleeping husband.
A careful smile formed round the corners of my mouth.
And in the minutes that followed, the sounds of my calm breathing joined the sounds of my sleeping family.
Have you ever felt like giving up on something? How do you motivate yourself when you feel like quitting?
This is an original post to World Moms Blog by Mirjam from Apples And Roses, of The Netherlands. Photo credit: Camila Manriquez. This picture has a creative commons attribution license.
Mirjam
Mirjam was born in warm, sunny Surinam, but raised in the cold, rainy Netherlands. She´s the mom of three rambunctious beauties and has been married for over a decade to the love of her life. Every day she´s challenged by combining the best and worst of two cultures at home. In what little time she has left, she enjoys being an elementary school teacher. Mirjam has battled and survived three postpartum depressions. She enjoys being a blogger, an amateur photographer, and she loves being creative in many ways. But most of all she loves live and laughter, even though sometimes she is the joke herself. You can find Mirjam at Apples and Roses where she blogs about her battle with depression and finding beauty in the simplest of things. You can also find Mirjam on Twitter.
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Fear is the ultimate destroyer, it can consume us and make us act irrationally. When it grips me, as it is bound to do, I try to remember that it is not real, it is a what if, and the only way to find out is to challenge yourself and move forward. Great post!
Such a strong post!
I reckognize that fear. It was strongest right before my PhD defense. It was awfull! But yes, indeed, it helps me now to understand my son, who also struggles a lot with the fear of failure, in everyday situations.
Fear … cripples us so often with self doubt.
Great post to find a solution rather than dwell in the consuming moment!
It’s all within ourselves. As Ford said ‘if you believe you can or if you believe you can’t, you’re right’. We can be our worst enemy. You’re lucky if you can find the calm within yourself to get it of the mind set! amazing
Mirjam,
You hit the nail on the head in this post. And, you are not alone? How do I conquer fear of failure? I call Elizabeth Atalay and Purnima Ramakrishnan, both of which are World Moms that I met through the blog. They are my rock!!!
I’m soo glad that you got through that night. Fear can keep so many from doing things. I love your example!
Jen 🙂
Fear can be paralyzing. On the other end, I know that when I feel fear, it’s because something important is about to happen. I always want to cancel whatever it is that scares me but never do, and always feel so good afterwards.